DESTINY

There is a time in life where one can no longer hide behind the shroud of who they think they should be, and who they are. I am in this battle currently. Torn. Tattered. Drained...

My dreams and aspirations seem increasingly within my reach, yet I am shackled by the circumstance of life. Stuck in suburbia with the "picket fence" syndrome I am aware that the only way to see my dreams come to life would be to begin taking charge and letting go. It's terrifying.

How do I allow myself to become undone when I have wound myself so tight? How do I relinquish control and break out of the box that I have put myself in? How does anyone allow themselves to be themselves when they have been someone else for so long. Living in a place they don't want to be in. Working in a field that is the complete opposite of their dreams. Allowing life to live them and not truly living life.

I am disgusted, nay, appalled at the me I see today. I feel trapped, I feel caged. I feel lost and scared. Yet it is only I who put me here. It was my willingness to give myself up. It was I who looked to find escape in whatever means came my way. It all boils down to the choices that I have made that have placed me in the position that I am today.

I want to live in New York or back in Atlanta. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to raise my children with culture and diversity. I want to have friends and a marriage that is fundamentally unshakeable. So with all of these wants that I have, why are these not my reality?

Choice. My reality is not in line with my wants because at one point or another I made choices based on what I thought someone else wanted, or what I thought in the immediate was what I wanted. I made life defining choices that have placed me in this rut and stiffened my creative atmosphere. I gave up. I always give up.

When will I learn that the power is in my hands? When will I be brave enough to stand for my life? When will I be able to look fear in the face and laugh? Fear? Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty. Fear is uncertainty. Nothing more, nothing less. Most fear is not even real...

I am afraid- I can honestly say it. I am afraid that if I stand up for my dreams and wants then I will lose everything that I have today- all the while knowing that what I have today is not and will never be enough. We only get one shot at this thing and I am giving up.

I am beginning to get my power back, little by little, I am allowing myself to be. I am liking myself and gaining back a measure of confidence that has long been dormant. I have said before that I want my life to be remembered as me being one who lived a life of honesty- that time to become honest is upon me. Time for change.

A quote I have saved to a reminder board says that it is never to late to become who you were always supposed to be. I am finally believing this...I am finally believing in me. Regardless of what may come, if I can willingly remain true to myself- everything will be ok. I am the author and creator of my destiny. I am the one in charge. I must not forget it...I must not deny it...I must, MUST, embrace it.