There are no words that can express the cycle of a contradictory existence. It is like living on a never ending seesaw of indecision and inconsistency. I beg and plea for balance, yet I constantly find myself tipping the scales back and forth, back and forth; balance is a state I may have to resign to never achieving.
What it ultimately boils down to is the same exhausting questions of who am I, what do I believe in, what are my likes, my dislikes, what is my identity? On the surface of this pondering I searched for answers in the shallow realm; what do my clothes say about me, what does my taste of music say about me, why do these seem to never stay the same? The gamete of stereotypes and labels began running through my mind in a materialistic effort to find some defining answers about my identity.
It was then that my unwaveringly over analytical mind took it many more steps below to the underlying factors of why the need or desire is there to ask such questions, the main one being why I feel the need to compartmentalize myself in the societal sense. I determined it comes from one factor, the desire to belong.
We are creatures of change ever morphing into newer versions of the prior self. We change in appearance, we change in intelligence, we change in morality and beliefs- change is the only constant in life. Some of us experience those changes minimally, and some radically experience hyper active amounts of change. These high level examples of change are personality characteristics that may or may not be a learned trait. Perhaps they are natural tendencies for some to remain relatively “the same person,” or to the other end of the spectrum (where I seem to reside) “never the same person for more than a mood.” We are perpetually evolving, but the question is what are we evolving into? Or yet a better question, what am I evolving into- again, who am I? What is my identity?
For the sake of entertaining the societal implanted views of what subculture our fashion says we must belong to, I would currently fit the mold of “indie”, “hipster” or “bohemian.” It would be assumed that I listen to alternative, rock, folk, singer-songwriter, and underground music. It may bring on the impression that I prefer the arts, intellectual stimulation, culture, and diversity; it may even suggest that I enjoy independent films, foreign films, etc. As much as I hate to say that I would agree with stereotypes, this is my surface identity in a nutshell-these are my likes.
Prior to this was the punk identity in which patches, spikes, and chucks were practically an extension of my body with wild colors and patterns, a gigantic mohawk, and an attitude of screw you- damn the man! Music was loud and fast with the most defiant and rebellious lyrics combined with radical social implications and random humor. Another step back was the hardcore identity where the chelsea was rocked and my life revolved around screamo and hardcore concerts, thrift store chic tees bandanas and belt-buckles as my trademark. There was even a short time where Gap and Abercrombie ruled my life and I listened only to pop, boy bands, and wore ribbons attached to my perfectly curled ponytails… Stereotypes of society would have called me a punk, a rocker/hardcore kid, and prep. These “identities” have been recycled more than once throughout my life.
This need to identify and belong is something that is a major struggle for most young people trying to make their way through adolescence and into adulthood. It seems that most people outgrow this need to belong; so why haven’t I? Why do I still find the need to define myself by such irrelevance? The reason for this need is that I still do not know how to fit into my skin, how to be satisfied and confident, how to know just be. It progresses unequivocally from who am I?
Aside from the shallow notions of fashion and music, there are the deeper changes that occur in beliefs and ambitions, in priorities and goals. It is in these areas that my greatest discomfort arises and that which causes me to question the validity of my “identity.” Beliefs have shifted from super strict Christianity and within this headship to claiming various forms of this religion (Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Charismatic to name a few), to agnostic, to Wiccan, to Buddhist, to Hindu, to New Age, and the list goes on. Ambitions have shifted between living in the midst of a thriving city life where opportunity to revel in the arts and self-fulfillment appear to be plenty, to living in the country riding 4-wheelers and wearing camo and listening to country; from living life as a single parent having no long term love commitments and retaining my independence outside of a relationship to being a “stepford” wife PTA soccer mom living in suburbia and have a family all dressed in matching khakis and driving a mini-van. Goals have gone from owning a coffee/wine bar with live music and poetry readings to being a super successful corporate business woman and back and forth for all of the ambitions and goals above.
It is a constant cycle of fierce desire for independence and adventure to extreme stability, conformity, and routine. Impulsive decisions made by barreling through life towards immediate gratification on a whim which often lands me in a state of discontentment and the feeling of being trapped, repeatedly. The consequences of my choices become overwhelming. This seesaw is a constant war that rages within and suffocates the ability to define who I am. It creates the inability to make life decisions and even decisions in general for fear that my mind will change and I will be shackled in a cage of despair and unhappiness.
Balance, yet again, is a state I may have to resign to never achieving…
