The Exquisite

Flashes of light and dancing swirls, sparkles and drips of dew fill the sky, lit with the splendor of nature.

The beauty that surrounds me is unbearably glorious....

How can one look into the majestic flawlessness of the woodlands and meadows and not bow down in reverence to God?

Colors pop and vibrant images consume my eyes, crisp crackles of animals and air swirling through the grass and trees, the fragrance of the pure intact beauty of flora invades my nose...

A breath of release, a breath of tranquility- it is as if my entire being is one with the world around me, as if in this point in time I am completely released of myself and instead I am a blended part of a designed whole. Oh the beauty that befalls me...

Contradictory Existence

There are no words that can express the cycle of a contradictory existence. It is like living on a never ending seesaw of indecision and inconsistency. I beg and plea for balance, yet I constantly find myself tipping the scales back and forth, back and forth; balance is a state I may have to resign to never achieving.


What it ultimately boils down to is the same exhausting questions of who am I, what do I believe in, what are my likes, my dislikes, what is my identity? On the surface of this pondering I searched for answers in the shallow realm; what do my clothes say about me, what does my taste of music say about me, why do these seem to never stay the same? The gamete of stereotypes and labels began running through my mind in a materialistic effort to find some defining answers about my identity.

It was then that my unwaveringly over analytical mind took it many more steps below to the underlying factors of why the need or desire is there to ask such questions, the main one being why I feel the need to compartmentalize myself in the societal sense. I determined it comes from one factor, the desire to belong.

We are creatures of change ever morphing into newer versions of the prior self. We change in appearance, we change in intelligence, we change in morality and beliefs- change is the only constant in life. Some of us experience those changes minimally, and some radically experience hyper active amounts of change. These high level examples of change are personality characteristics that may or may not be a learned trait. Perhaps they are natural tendencies for some to remain relatively “the same person,” or to the other end of the spectrum (where I seem to reside) “never the same person for more than a mood.” We are perpetually evolving, but the question is what are we evolving into? Or yet a better question, what am I evolving into- again, who am I? What is my identity?

For the sake of entertaining the societal implanted views of what subculture our fashion says we must belong to, I would currently fit the mold of “indie”, “hipster” or “bohemian.” It would be assumed that I listen to alternative, rock, folk, singer-songwriter, and underground music. It may bring on the impression that I prefer the arts, intellectual stimulation, culture, and diversity; it may even suggest that I enjoy independent films, foreign films, etc. As much as I hate to say that I would agree with stereotypes, this is my surface identity in a nutshell-these are my likes.

Prior to this was the punk identity in which patches, spikes, and chucks were practically an extension of my body with wild colors and patterns, a gigantic mohawk, and an attitude of screw you- damn the man! Music was loud and fast with the most defiant and rebellious lyrics combined with radical social implications and random humor. Another step back was the hardcore identity where the chelsea was rocked and my life revolved around screamo and hardcore concerts, thrift store chic tees bandanas and belt-buckles as my trademark. There was even a short time where Gap and Abercrombie ruled my life and I listened only to pop, boy bands, and wore ribbons attached to my perfectly curled ponytails… Stereotypes of society would have called me a punk, a rocker/hardcore kid, and prep. These “identities” have been recycled more than once throughout my life.

This need to identify and belong is something that is a major struggle for most young people trying to make their way through adolescence and into adulthood. It seems that most people outgrow this need to belong; so why haven’t I? Why do I still find the need to define myself by such irrelevance? The reason for this need is that I still do not know how to fit into my skin, how to be satisfied and confident, how to know just be. It progresses unequivocally from who am I?

Aside from the shallow notions of fashion and music, there are the deeper changes that occur in beliefs and ambitions, in priorities and goals. It is in these areas that my greatest discomfort arises and that which causes me to question the validity of my “identity.” Beliefs have shifted from super strict Christianity and within this headship to claiming various forms of this religion (Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Charismatic to name a few), to agnostic, to Wiccan, to Buddhist, to Hindu, to New Age, and the list goes on. Ambitions have shifted between living in the midst of a thriving city life where opportunity to revel in the arts and self-fulfillment appear to be plenty, to living in the country riding 4-wheelers and wearing camo and listening to country; from living life as a single parent having no long term love commitments and retaining my independence outside of a relationship to being a “stepford” wife PTA soccer mom living in suburbia and have a family all dressed in matching khakis and driving a mini-van. Goals have gone from owning a coffee/wine bar with live music and poetry readings to being a super successful corporate business woman and back and forth for all of the ambitions and goals above.

It is a constant cycle of fierce desire for independence and adventure to extreme stability, conformity, and routine. Impulsive decisions made by barreling through life towards immediate gratification on a whim which often lands me in a state of discontentment and the feeling of being trapped, repeatedly. The consequences of my choices become overwhelming. This seesaw is a constant war that rages within and suffocates the ability to define who I am. It creates the inability to make life decisions and even decisions in general for fear that my mind will change and I will be shackled in a cage of despair and unhappiness.

Balance, yet again, is a state I may have to resign to never achieving…

LIBERATION

Religiosity…A topic I have struggled with my entire life thus far.

Raised in the Christian Protestant faith, I attended many different churches and I followed many different doctrines. All with the same bible. All with the same basic notion that belief in Jesus as Lord and Savior will save my soul from the gnashing of teeth and burning for all eternity in hell. Belief that with this faith I will be guaranteed an afterlife in perfection, in heaven, dancing and singing praises for all eternity. While each protestant branch preached in different ways- this was the premise that fueled them all.

I have been told that I must believe everything in the Word of God- the bible- or I cannot believe any of it. How frustrating and how pathetic…do I believe, could I believe, that unless all accept Jesus as lord and savior that they shall perish for all of eternity? I cannot. Can I believe that the Protestant way or the Protestant bible is somehow superior and more “right” than the Catholic bible, or the Dead Sea Scrolls? With the many versions and loose translations, the opinions and the revising to suit situations- how could I? And what of the rest of the world and their religious beliefs… How anyone could truly believe that God would damn the majority of the world for believing another religion is something I cannot accept. I have been told that unless one has the knowledge of Jesus and an opportunity to accept Him as their savior then they are not in danger of hell. This concept baffles me even more. Christians claim that the bible can be proven by filling in the gaps of history…well, so can the Vedas, so can the Koran, so can the Buddhist Catechism. So what makes this faith any better or any more real, or anymore “right” than all of the other faiths that are believed around the world? Is it that in the Christian faith there is no room for open mindedness? Perhaps the superior mentality and inability to see faith in a more holistic view is the real problem that I have.

I have been told that the deep emotion felt when in prayer or when in a powerful church service is the Spirit of God moving; and that the miracles that are performed when people put their trust and faith in the blood of Jesus for their healing is indeed an act of God, and only an act of God, by the stripes of Jesus' torn flesh- and an act of the Holy Spirit to show His power. While I do not discount that there is a God, I do have doubts that emotional outbursts and even miraculous healings are only the result of a divine intervention. Can we not experience the same emotional depth when listening to music that touches us deeply? Can we not engage in emotional outbursts when we are in awe at the beauty around us? Then, we address, "by your faith you have been healed"…has science not proved that with your mind we have the ability to heal? Could it not be complete focus on what you want deeply and then allowing your body to receive? We have the ability to heal our bodies as well as make them sick. I have proven this in my own life as a child. I would envision my white blood cells like little soldiers all holding hands and blocking the sickness from my body, then I would visualize them unlocking hands and allowing some sickness to enter their barricade. I would always get sick, anytime I didn’t want to go to school I used this technique. Is this not the same thing as divine healing? Perhaps it is not by His stripes we have been healed, perhaps it is simply by our ability to focus and intently believe that we will receive healing and thus we are healed.

Let me stop here and say that I am not denying the bible in its entirety; I believe much of the bible. However, I do not believe much of the bible as well… I can’t. My passion for reason and my logical, rational mind is not able. “Do I believe in Jesus as my savior?” “What if I say I don’t and I go to hell?” “Am I a Christian?” “Do I even believe in heaven or hell” ; these are the battle cries I have dealt with for many years… One day I encountered a realization- if you have to constantly ask yourself if you believe something, then you don’t. As soon as this revelation resonated within me, there was a relief, a purging, a freedom. I was free. I was then able to see clearly the messages conveyed in all of the world’s religions- love, not fear, not rigidity- love. I refuse to believe something out of fear, I refuse to be shackled in the bondage of doctrine and ignorance- that truly is hell. If this means that I am not a Christian, then I am not. For the first time in my life I am confident and at peace about that fact. Liberation.

The message and purpose of Christ was not solely to save our souls from hell as much of the Christian churches would lead many to believe. Jesus came to teach us love. The message of Jesus was to love. “And the greatest of these is love…” How could a man who taught so openly about loving one another be responsible for the salvation or damnation of souls? To take His teachings alone is to live in peace, harmony, acceptance, and love. Jesus never casted stones, Jesus accepted everyone regardless of morality, lifestyle choice, physicality, etc. Jesus “came that we should have life, and have it more abundantly.” In my quest for defining my beliefs, I have been liberated buy focusing on these principles.

Love. Honor. Integrity. Kindness. Tolerance. Patience. Acceptance. Forgiveness.

I have studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Mysticism, Wiccan, and Judaism- all of which teach the same principles above as a guide to live life fully. These are the teachings of the greatest teachers who ever lived. Jesus Himself said “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.” In my opinion, this applies regardless of religious beliefs... According to one of the most renown teachings of Jesus, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” These are the disciplines that I follow, these are the truths that I accept from the Christian faith. A final thought on Christianity: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” This is the path I will follow. I will close with a final thought from a man that I revere as the greatest leader our country has ever known… “When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion.” -Abraham Lincoln

DESTINY

There is a time in life where one can no longer hide behind the shroud of who they think they should be, and who they are. I am in this battle currently. Torn. Tattered. Drained...

My dreams and aspirations seem increasingly within my reach, yet I am shackled by the circumstance of life. Stuck in suburbia with the "picket fence" syndrome I am aware that the only way to see my dreams come to life would be to begin taking charge and letting go. It's terrifying.

How do I allow myself to become undone when I have wound myself so tight? How do I relinquish control and break out of the box that I have put myself in? How does anyone allow themselves to be themselves when they have been someone else for so long. Living in a place they don't want to be in. Working in a field that is the complete opposite of their dreams. Allowing life to live them and not truly living life.

I am disgusted, nay, appalled at the me I see today. I feel trapped, I feel caged. I feel lost and scared. Yet it is only I who put me here. It was my willingness to give myself up. It was I who looked to find escape in whatever means came my way. It all boils down to the choices that I have made that have placed me in the position that I am today.

I want to live in New York or back in Atlanta. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to raise my children with culture and diversity. I want to have friends and a marriage that is fundamentally unshakeable. So with all of these wants that I have, why are these not my reality?

Choice. My reality is not in line with my wants because at one point or another I made choices based on what I thought someone else wanted, or what I thought in the immediate was what I wanted. I made life defining choices that have placed me in this rut and stiffened my creative atmosphere. I gave up. I always give up.

When will I learn that the power is in my hands? When will I be brave enough to stand for my life? When will I be able to look fear in the face and laugh? Fear? Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty. Fear is uncertainty. Nothing more, nothing less. Most fear is not even real...

I am afraid- I can honestly say it. I am afraid that if I stand up for my dreams and wants then I will lose everything that I have today- all the while knowing that what I have today is not and will never be enough. We only get one shot at this thing and I am giving up.

I am beginning to get my power back, little by little, I am allowing myself to be. I am liking myself and gaining back a measure of confidence that has long been dormant. I have said before that I want my life to be remembered as me being one who lived a life of honesty- that time to become honest is upon me. Time for change.

A quote I have saved to a reminder board says that it is never to late to become who you were always supposed to be. I am finally believing this...I am finally believing in me. Regardless of what may come, if I can willingly remain true to myself- everything will be ok. I am the author and creator of my destiny. I am the one in charge. I must not forget it...I must not deny it...I must, MUST, embrace it.

MIRROR, MIRROR

How can I describe the person in the mirror I see looking back at me? How do I define something, someone- myself? How does anyone define themselves for that matter? Are we not beings of terminal change? Are we not daily renewed and epitomized by circumstance?

There is a constant yearning- a desire to discover and rediscover and uncover and define humanity. There is awe and wonder at learning our uniqueness and yet there is apprehension at what we may find when we look closer. We are a people so compartmentalized in life that being able to look rightly at our own image is nearly impossible, or at least so I have found.

So what then shall we use as our criteria for self-definition and mirror image? Is it in the title of trade we hold, or in the class of society we belong? Is it in the passions we cling to or the tears that fall? Is it in religion and morale, character or defects? Is it in the lines of our face and the color of our hair? How do we truly SEE ourselves?

I believe that the ability to truly SEE oneself rests not just in the tangible, but in the intangible. According to the Snow White tale, the dark queen asks the Mirror to define who in the land holds the most beauty. She only thinks on the initial appearance, her question is left with much room for debate. For a time, she held the role she sought, yet as Snow White grew and blossomed, not merely in looks, but in character, strength, compassion, and morale- the tides turned. She was the one the Mirror was reflecting back as the fairest of them all.

This may seem a silly comparison, but I find there is much metaphorically that comes into play here. The image- built not only on what the naked eye can see- is based on true human nature and strength. The fallacy of life is that we see much more surface than anything else. Do we ever really look past our initial appearance at the deeper side of our image- our soul, if you will? It is yet again embarking on the quest for finding oneself. It is the desire to live a life deeper than the shallow initial look. It is the breaking down of molds and the ability to shed light on areas that we may have long hidden that reveals our true self-image. We must peer beyond the jaded looking glass and own all that encompasses our mirror image. More than our appearance- it is our brilliance, our aura, our humanness. It is our true self.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall- peel the blinders from my eyes that I may SEE the one who is looking back at me...

HONESTY

If you had to pick one word to describe how you would want to your life to be remembered, what would it be? What virtue would you want to be known for?

Honest. To be honest is more than merely telling the truth, it is an inherent look into that which makes us, us. It is a deeper understanding  and willingness to accept those things in life that we may not wish to have to handle. It is the ability to see clearly our fallacies as well as our victories and be able to portray utter transparencies.

This honesty is how I wish to be remembered. I wish to be revered as one who strove for honesty above all else. Honesty with my word, my deed, but honesty mostly with myself. I would like to be able to leave the world knowing that I would allow myself always to see clearly the motives I had for any given action or reaction. I would like to believe that I was able to remain "true" to myself regardless of the daggers life had thrown at me and regardless the fear of what another may think of me. I would like to leave a legacy behind to my children and children's children that a life worth living is one that is lived with utmost honest valor.

Courage. In order to truly be honest it takes a measure of courage that seems to be lost in todays society. Courage is a virtue that I feel many people, including myself is in lack of. We as a nation and era are so afraid to offend one another that honesty in its rawest sense has gotten lost. The courage to speak up and speak out has been pushed away in favor of public opinion. To be trapped in the fear that you may upset the herd is prison in and of itself. The courage to be able to say and love who we are as individuals is caged and locked tight out of fear of our fellow man and said public opinion. When one is able to gain such a measure of courage, no matter how small, then the daunting splendor of honesty is allowed to flow freely. I believe honest is based on following a belief structure and remaining faithful to it- regardless of how much and how many times that structure may change. Remaining true to oneself as it were, to ones beliefs, to ones values and morale, to ones interests and passions, and ultimately to the liberation of ones inhibitions.

Ramblings and mumblings... Simply state; to live a life worth living is to live a life with the courage to be honest and to remain true to oneself above all else. To be remembered as such is greatness.

SHATTERED

What then shall we call life? A series of ups and downs, of love and loss, of gain and lose. Life, such a fragile thing. Riddled with the plague of emotion to live is ultimately to die and to live is to feel and feel intently. Oh how I wish I didn't feel so much.

How do we make it through? How do we deal with so much? Let me rephrase, how do I deal with it. How do I tolerate the ups and downs, the love and loss, and the gain and lose.

I am so tired. So drained. So unbearably desperate to breathe a sigh of relief. But that relief can't be found. I have tried to find it in a bottle, in a relationship, in an asylum, and in a church. I have tried to find it in the books I read or in the television shows and movies I watch. I have tried to find it in my kids and in my job. Alas I am still broken. Still weighted down. Still desperate.

Some would call this depression, others would call it self pity, and true both are correct. For with every ounce of my being I am torn and unsettled.

Day by day holding on to dreams and desires gets harder and harder. I see so many people become resigned to life rather than living life as they want to. I see myself slipping into this wave pool and finding myself trapped amidst the eb and flow of monotony and routine. True this is the life I have made for myself. True it is my choices that have led me to where I am. True it has been my unwillingness to define my needs and wants which has put me in this desolate cell...

There is however still time. There is still light at the end of the tunnel. There is still hope within me for something better, something more. As there is still breath in my lungs and life in my body there is still time to make a change. Time... Time.

Never give up. Never surrender. This thing called life... Such a beautiful tragedy.

WHERE DID I GO????

So I was reading my myspace profile- all the quotes and words of wisdom from brilliant individuals- and I realized that the independent woman who posted those wonderful quotes and sayings has somehow gotten lost in the midst of things... Life happens, relationships fall and form, seasons come and go...but where the hell did I go?

The things that made me the confident, independent, exuberant individual are missing now, non active, pressed down so to speak. Well, I guess I forgot to be me, to allow myself my individuality (as many women do...) in times of change.
Well, NO MORE!! As per my message of the day yesterday said: "On this day, God wants you to know...
... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls."

I leave you with this message and some of the wonderful sayings that inspire change...

(Originally written November 2009)

BIPOLAR

Coming out of my skin. Trembling and panic. So awake my eyes pain from their stretching. Racing and repeating thoughts keep me up until I pass out with exhaustion. Angry and miserable. Suffocating. Dying.These are the feelings during my manic upswing.

What once was an enjoyable free buzz now tears me apart. Bleeds my life force and terrorizes my reality.

Depression, pain, misery. My eyes sore from the salt of so many tears. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Utter despair. Thoughts of dying and dreams of running away. Angry and miserable. Suffocating. These are the feelings during my low bottoms.

What once was tolerable now drives me insane. Forces me to seek shelter and hide from the world. Obliterates my reality.

Normal? I long for normalcy. A wife, a mother, an employee, these are the roles I have to hold it together for. It's becoming increasingly harder. It's  causing me to drown. This disorder is killing me. Slowly it progresses. Yet powerfully it consumes. A pill. 2 pills. Now 3 pills. Relief? I hope it is soon to come...

Life 50 years from now...

Dear Self in 50 years,

At 80 years old I hope you can look back and say that you lived the life you wanted to live thus far, and that you accomplished what you set out to do, whatever that may be and however many times that may have changed.

I hope that you can say that you did the very best you could as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter/granddaughter, and whatever other roles you had.

I hope you can say that you wrote everything you wanted to write, that you read everything that you wanted to read, that you painted everything that you wanted to paint, and that you studied everything you wanted to study.

I hope that you can say you made it to France, Italy, and New York.

I hope you can say that you treated your body as the temple it is, with healthy eating and (dare I say it) exercise, with meditation and discipline, and I hope you decorated it with whatever tattoos you wanted.

And finally, I hope that you learned to love yourself as you always should have, in spite of your mistakes and your humanism, I hope that you can look back with no regret.

Sincerely,

Self at 30 years

SELF-LOATHING

"Wretched mouth. You disgust me with your words. More than your words it's your tone. You create chaos at every chance! Why are you the way you are? Why do you insist on living your life in misery? Don't you realize the effect you have on everyone else around you? No you don't. You don't care. Everything is about you. Narcissist. Vain. Selfish. Just look at you. Even your appearance disgusts me. Get over yourself! You can't go on like this. Stop. Please stop. I hate you..."

Hopefully I can start listening to myself. Hopefully I will change. Hopefully I will once again know what it means to have hope. Life, such a dismal valley I am in. Broken and torn. Guilty and shamed. I really want to love myself again, but I can't stop hating myself. Anger binds my heart and sadness bleeds in my soul. One day I hope to look in the mirror and be able to smile.

MEANING OF LIFE?

What is the meaning of life?

I have spent countless hours and years trying to define life's meaning. I have scoured the internet, read the works of great literary figures, practiced various religions, and studied the ancient teaching of great wisdom. The only answer that I have ever found that makes sense is that the meaning of life is whatever meaning we decide to give our life. An utmost existentialist view.

To the man who says that the meaning of life is to please God, or to the one who says it is to live for logic and reason, or the one who says it is to be in harmony with the world and its' people, or even to the one who says life is devoid of meaning; to them I would say they are all correct. For if that is the meaning that they as individuals have decided to give life, then it is certainly their life's meaning.

At first I was relieved to have answered such an enormous question! Ah-ha! I have solved the meaning of life! It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized I hadn't solved the answer to my question...what is the meaning of my life?

If the meaning of life is whatever meaning we assign to it, then what is the meaning that I have assigned for myself? Does this meaning remain consistent throughout life, or does it change? How do we assign such meaning? What shall be the basis for my decision? Such burdensome and anxious thoughts stirred up additional facets in trying to answer this question. Is the answer based on our belief structure? And if so, what is my belief structure? What do I believe in at all...?

So here I sit, pondering and questioning. Sorting and sifting through my broken and cluttered mind for answers to such questions that may cause pain to face. It is only through true self-honesty that these questions can be answered. It is only with a willingness to face myself- in all my dysfunction- and to become transparent that I will find the answers I seek. For now, I will settle on the fact that I at least have a path toward this enlightenment. Perhaps it is as a quote from George Bernard Shaw says: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". This is still up for debate with me.

COGITO ERGO SUM

I am reading these little concept descriptions about Philosophy through the ages and I decided to look more into Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum". In reading it, I felt that the avenue of doubt truly can be not only dispelled as far as in a perceptional stand point, but embraced (odd as it may sound). I think about where doubt actually comes from, not in the "demonic" sense as Descartes relays; but in the insecurities of human emotion, the frailty of our finite existence....the desire to know or be and ultimately, the desire to believe. He set off in his 'Method of Doubts' to go against and recreate beyond the medieval concepts to "establish the sciences" with a new and firm foundation. He used the metaphor of the rotting apples; instead of taking out the rotten one (or the fallible belief) he throws them all out (all beliefs) to start from nothing and arise into something. He stripped himself of everything, beliefs, physicality, even the world around him and declared his salvation being found in the cogito. He refers to everything in this writing as God vs. Demon- I look at the terms as God meaning truth, and Demon meaning deception in a very liberal sense. He wrote...the [demon]" 'will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I think that I am something....I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind'".

Wow, I loved this! Basically stated, I think therefore I am; and age old saying. So just making this far in the reading I stopped and thought a while about this couple of lines. My truth cannot be shaken unless I allow room for doubt, as long as I am coherent with the truth, then I cannot be deceived by the lies...relatively speaking that is.

Reading on...there are three limitations that come out of the cogito: it is first-personal only; mine works with me, and yours works with you- second it is present tense and basically states as long as we are thinking, we exist; when we stop thinking, we no longer exist- third is I may not seriously have what I think makes me, me and this could very well still be of the [demon] deceptions. My resource book says..."in sum the 'I' of the cogito is a bare instant of self-consciousness, a mere pinprick cut off from everything else, including its own past."

For me the 'sum' referred to above, is amazingly on point and is a place I try desperately to find. The present, the relinquish of the past, the freedom of only the here and now..."one moment at a time".

Here is where the building from ground zero begins; he develops a rule: 'that the things we conceive very clearly and very distinctly are all true'. He follows this up as truth because of God. [God] brings about only truth in idea and is perfect therefore he will not lend us a deceptive thought- or an un-truth. My views...how does he know it is only of a [God] inspiration when he is in thought, or for that matter how can he attest to differentiate good/God from bad/demon if he has deconstructed his entire belief structure? And do not all concepts derive essentially from someone/where else, for there is no such thing as ultimate original thought, right?

Cogito ergo sum was meant to rule out skepticism and doubt in an attempt at rational pursuit of knowledge, and he actually left just the opposite affect of many later dated Philosophers. He does however mention that deception can occur (and will occur-to me) so we may be wrong in thinking something to be of sound rational of idea or thought, but we will not be able to know if we are making such a mistake and if we don't identify the problem we therefore cannot give a clear answer or statement of ultimate truth. Or can we? So, this once again, leaves much room for what he was battling against; skepticism.

SO, I am now spinning here writing this and reading and trying to wrap my mind around it, and I hit wall after wall....It almost leaves me feeling at a place of a double-standard; which I have found is essential in theory for that brings about further attempts at the quest for truth.



(originally written November 2008)

UNDENIABLE BEAUTY

Staring at the tar filled landscape in front of me I found myself deep in thought about just how beautiful life really is. My attention was turned to an oil slicked water puddle growing in size as the rain continued to fall. With every single drop a perfectly circular ripple manifested. I watched the circles start small, grow, and combine with the other ones. The intricately formed waves reminded me to find beauty amongst even the most unattractive situations. A dirty, smelly, oily parking lot full of trash and waste held a puddle that created beautiful patterns as each drop of rain fell from above. In the past 3 years of my life I have been given "a new pair of glasses" or a changed perception if you will. So much in life gets overlooked and taken for granted. So many people spend their time focusing on the negative side of life and missing the opportunity to open their eyes and truly see how much beauty can be found even in the most unbearable situations. I strive to find beauty in all things, to never lose hope, to never stop dreaming, and to always believe there is more than meets the eye. I'm so intensely emotional... I feel everything and I appreciate my feelings for what they are-all of my feelings; be it fear, anger, worry, or even pain. Most importantly I appreciate the ability to love regardless of what's going on in my life and to give love whether or not it is given back. Coming out of such horrendous pain where I saw only the bleak and miserable side of living, to now feeling like the boy from American Beauty video taping the wind blown bag explaining why its beautiful; comes as a direct result in my opinion from a spiritual awakening. Sometimes I get so caught up in awe at life that I feel as though I should be skipping down the yellow brick road with rose petals falling out of my ass. I want so badly to share how I feel but I keep it inside until I'm ready to burst. I want to yell from the roof tops, sing in the streets, and paint the city with love...LOL!! Buddha says "be the change you want to see"... If people only knew just how beautiful life can be regardless of circumstances, situations, or pain. I have so much love to give and so much to learn... I stand for justice and diplomacy, I believe in honesty and tolerance, I never apologize for being me, and I love with everything that I have and all that I am...Life is undeniable beauty

(Originally written December 2008)

EXPRESSION

So in relation to expression, expression in the audible sense and otherwise... In our minds we have so much that we wish to express, some of which we do and some of which we don't. So what then, is the means by which we decipher what we express and what we do not express...? For me is has generally been fear of some kind that hinders my expressions. Knowing then that whatever I say/do- whatever I express- will have an effect on those around me and situations at hand, why do I hold back? Simple...in honest self-analysis it is the realization that I have NO control over how my expression is received, and what then shall be reciprocated as a result. Every single utterance produces certain effects that follow.

Everything I say...do...starts a reaction. Tracy Chapman says "what chain reaction would cause an effect...would you change..."...

Previously I had written about the ability to "say anything", and I now realize it is much more than that. It is the saying and the doing, it is the saying and the not saying; it is the moment we live in and what we do with that moment at hand. It is looking back over my life and seeing where I 'could' have done something differently, what I 'could' have said, or not said...and then striving for the point at which there is no need to look back.

The Moment. The Becoming.

In relation to be-ing a social being; expression is the means by which we, well, socialize. Noise, language, looks, exchanges...actions. Newton says "for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction". This is, in my opinion, the formula correlating expression. It is courage in the face of the enemy; the enemy here being our own be-ing. Our social exchanges...our morale in a sense. It is the collision of intensities that makes us human. Or is it?

No looking back...the goal. To accept the life we have lived, the expressions we have expressed; and the willingness to do it all over again with no recourse. The point of Zarathustra- no looking back. That is the Zen in the moment. To be there. "This long lane behind us: it goes on for an eternity. And that long lane ahead of us- that is another eternity. They are in opposition to one another, these paths; they abut one another: and it is here at this gateway that they come together. The name of the gateway is written above it: 'Moment'". (Nietzsche-Thus Spoke Zarathustra pg.178)

...And this is it...when extolling or abasing expression, when expressing, the focus goes straight to the control aspect. We, no excuse me, I am either in regret and reflection of the past or in fear of the future; of the 'cause and effect'...of the moment at which there is freedom. Freedom... True freedom. "Nothing is certain. Life is full of uncertainties, full of surprises- that is its beauty!...Life goes on moving with a thousand and one uncertainties. That's its freedom. Dont call it insecurity. I can understand why mind calls freedom insecurity...Freedom creates fear. People talk about freedom but they are afraid...". (Osho-last weeks message from Osho facebook group)

This is moment, freedom, and expression...yet as thought- freedom is a bit terrifying- Clarity...? Not in the sense of sober minds, but in the sense of reality. There is POWER in clarity, in freedom, in moment, and in expression. They are the guiding forces which institute a hope and a reprieve...a search- for the real. The will to power. "Thus the will, the liberator, becomes a malefactor: and upon all that can suffer it takes revenge for its inability to go backwards. This, yes, this alone is revenge itself: the will's antipathy towards time and time's 'It was'". (Nietzsche- Thus...pg.162)

Dont look back...

"All 'It was' is a fragment, a riddle, a dreadful chance- until the creative will says to it: 'But I willed it thus!' Until the creative will says to it: 'But I will it thus! Thus shall I will it!'" (Nietzsche- Thus...pg. 163)

Thus shall I will it...hmm...

So to another facet of the spectrum we take a look at the state or standpoint of "I don't care." Liberating, Zen; reflection of freedom and moment. Not in the tone of apathy; but in a trajectory of be-ing in the moment.

To relate it back to expression; being able to allow expression to shine through in spite of the frailty of pride or desire for control- and to just express. To simply be. Be-ing. Being human. Flowing intimately with all its intensities, noises, passions, questions, longings, and fears. Moving freely; frame by frame. Living and breathing each precious breath of now and of today.

Expression.

To 'see' the true sense of hollow. "The world is hollow. In-itself anything is precisely nothing. A thing exists positively only in the precise sense that it exhibits certain forces, that it forms connections or disjunctions with other things, or assemblages of things, in such and such a way...Love is not a question of signals, but of production. Not words but noise. The word is hollow: in itself everything means precisely nothing. Yet no thought is ever without its heretical dimension, its strange and apocalyptic promise — the dangerous promise of possible knowledge." (Joe Weissman- Transparency: Fractalontology.wordpress.com) The meaning is what fills the gaps and transforms the hollow and the nothing into the full and intricate...the meaning, the expression; the intensities that bind our eyes to slant with passion and that causes our hearts to beat with a persistent yearning.

To exemplify the life of love in which we live. To see the beauty in what makes us who we are... "Where is beauty? Where I have to will with all my will; where I want to love and perish, that an image may not remain merely an image. Loving and perishing: these have gone together from eternity. Will to love: that means to be willing to die, too." (Nietzsche- Thus...pg.145)

The tragic comedy that we call life...lived from expression.

(Originally written January 2009)

THE HIKE...

"I love you"...she said. He looked at her and smiled. "Let's go, I have a surprise for you." He grabbed her hand and led her towards the hiking trails.

They followed the well trodden path for quite sometime, talking about life, love, nature; they laughed and gazed at the wonder that surrounded them. From time to time they would look at each other as if they were both about to say something but then just smiled instead. The path was alive with others walking and jogging. There were bikers and pet owners, families and couples....much too populated for the exchange of glances that the two of them had been sharing.

"Let's go this way, perhaps we can make our own path" she said. They started off towards the deepened forest with heavy breaths as they escalated into the terrain. The crackling of branches under foot and rustling of leaves collided with the panting of a searching heart. The brush lightened and the thickening cleared opening up to a patch of grass and weeds, the perfect spot.

"Here is nice, shall we lay out the blanket?" She smiled and said yes. He gently began unrolling the blanket and preparing a spot for the two young lovers to enjoy some time alone. She walked around and took in the scenery, looking intently to see if she could find any trace of anyone other than the two of them. Nothing. She heard only his voice as he called her back to the blanket...overjoyed she skipped as if she were a child being summoned to a fourth of July picnic.

They laid there gazing into each others eyes and talked about anything and everything that came to mind. Then a sort of silence fell. Not the silence of disinterest, but the silence of an overcoming urge that was created when they locked eyes at exactly the right moment...

He reached over and stroked the side of her face with his hand, she gracefully extended hers to cradle his hand and began kissing each of his fingers. The breathing took on a different form and the looks from her to him became a little more enticing...they inched their way closer to each other all the while remaining in some fashion of physical contact. Touching with each passionate touch the moment consumed them.

He kissed her with such an insurmountable force that she tightened her eyes as if to say if they are open that it wouldn't last...her hands moved under his shirt and she began clawing ever so gently down his back. The position changed to laying and the two young lovers began engaging in the act of a full on display of uninhibited fantasy.

The muttering and sighs of an anxious beckoning slid from her lips as she entangled herself to him with the strength of her legs. Clothes were on but were being tugged seductively to suggest that this moment be the turning point for the hike. He raised up and lifted off his sweater, she raised him back up and removed his shirt...He looked down at her laying underneath him and slowly began to unbutton her blouse. One by one her chest tightened and her heart beat faster. Exposed and nervous she covered them with the blanket and began to laugh and giggle with excitement. They raised up together on their knees and kissed gently with their arms wrapped tightly around each other. He caressed her back and removed her blouse completely...he undid the latches on her bra...she reached down to undo his belt first, then his jeans...he did the same to her.

They stopped and glanced as if to ask one another permission without the use of words. Her eyes showed nothing but the longing for his touch and the desire to be one with him, his eyes responded with the gaze of instinctual overdrive...

"I love you too..." He said back to her recalling her statement from earlier that day.

Clothes were off now and nothing but the gray fleece blanket was there to shield them from the outside world. Still in kneeling position he slid his hand down to caress in between her thighs...she took in a deep breath as a chill ran down her spine. Feeling her body in all the tender areas her looked deep into her eyes and said "you are beautiful", it was at that moment that he slid his fingers deep inside of her in an act of pleasing her. She moaned to the near point of a yell and muttered the words "oh god" under her shallow heavy breathing state...she leaned in and bit him slightly on the collar bone and began to inch her way down to please him with an oral fixation...she looked up in the midst to see his eyes looking down at her and then closing in a near state of drunkenness from the drug of passion...he grabbed the back of her hair and pulled it lightly leading her to lay down...

She smiled and wrapped her legs around him once more as he thrusted himself deep into her..both of them exchanging sighs and moans, sweat pouring down as the sound of skin on skin took control...they rolled around and stopped ever so often to kiss and savor the moment, they stared into each other eyes and then they proceeded...

The primal part of their brain took control and the two acted in the way they were naturally created to act, they acted like animals....

The after affect left them both drained of energy and smitten with intense relief. "You want to smoke?" He said... "Oh god yes..." she replied.

They continued to lay there for several hours naked and exposed with only that gray fleece blanket about them and cuddled in their state of intimacy. She laid her head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat, a heart that beat only for her. Gradually they both fell asleep for an afternoon nap.

The sound of a dog barking woke them as evening began to fall. "I don't think we are alone anymore" he said with a smile..."let's go back to the cabin, I will cook you dinner..."

The two young lovers dressed themselves and gathered their belongings. Shortly thereafter they started hand in hand on the hike back.

(Originally written December 2008)

PLATO'S CAVE

Ok, so I have been doing some study on a lot of things, and recently what has really been "speaking" to me is the Allegory of the Cave (book 7 of Republic). I have read, and re-read, done cross reference searches, looked at the multi-faceted debates on the story, and am just in awe I guess. Something I have read many times before and only now I have been able to really take it in! It just came to me after a converation with Joe and Aidan at dinner last night, just the mention of The Republic brought me back to a concept of Philosophy dating back over 2000 years, and one I had almost forgotten about.

The Cave....chained up and shackled to the wall seeing only yours and the others around you shadows. That's all they know of reality, that is their reality. The prisoners representing "ordinary people" thriving in a world riddled with illusion. The Cave representing "the realm of becoming". The prisoner unchained and mobile around the cave gains the most accurate view of reality within the ever-changing world of experience and perception, he sees what the shadows actually are....Then there is the world outside the Cave that, in contrast, represents "the realm of being". Here in this layer of the Allegory is where the ultimate truth is in interpretive based on the objects of knowledge. The objects related here being the perfect, unchanging, and ultimately eternal...

SO, according to the influences I am reading it would be correct in saying that "in Plato's view, what is known must not only be true but also perfect and unchanging". The thing with this is nothing inside the Cave (aka the empirical world) supports this. So since nothing in the Cave is an object of knowledge, the other realm is then proposed (the outside). It is there where the perfect and unchanging entities are brought into play referred to as "Forms" or rather ideas. This then spells out the hierarchy among Forms that the Sun is representing the "Form of Good", which gives all the other forms their ultimate meaning of existence.

So that being said, my interpretation of it all is as follows, for years I lived inside the cave seeing only my shadows and the shadows of those around me as my ultimate truth, until I was set free of captivity and allowed to roam around seeing reality for what it really was, and is...So I found the path to enlightenment and walked outside and really got a glimpse into the true realm of perception and truth, well, so far as truth can be perceived.... I have taken to the joy of what I have been able to see and have walked back into the cave to share with my fellows; stumbling from the brightness of the truth and the darkness of what once was, being rejected and cast aside as if the outside, or the Good, spoiled me in some way... (The defense for Socrates comes into play here is this sense) But, such is the path of the narrow-minded, the ones who willingly chose to stay in the dark...not me, I thirst for the "Good"...

It just kind of sucks to usually go at it alone.



(Originally written November 2008)

OF OLD AND NEW LAW-TABLES...ZARATHUSTRA

"There is an old delusion that is called good and evil. Up to now, this delusion has orbited about prophets and astrologers.
Once people believed in prophets and astrologers: and therefore believed: 'Everything is fate: you shall, for you must!'
Then again people mistrusted all prophets and astrologers: and therefore people believed: 'Everything is freedom: you can, for you will!'
O my brothers, up to now there has been only supposition, not knowledge, concerning the stars and the future: and therefore there has hitherto been only supposition, not knowledge, concerning good and evil!"
-Thus Spoke Zarathustra: Of Old and New Law-tables 9

The above excerpt has been my state of questioning in recent thoughts. Predominately the validity in the concepts of 'good and evil'....or fate and destiny; and to the reality of the equation- truth and will. Belief, if you will, that correlates the fragments altogether; forming a sort of 'truth' unshakable to those who's eyes are closed, and comfort to those who seek security in a cookie cut solution.

Is there not more? Aren't these 'concepts' merely that; concepts? Waste passed down hidden under doctrines that produce entrapment? A sort of authoritarian enslaving to keep ones soul at bay? To keep one from asking too many questions that could inherently spark change- a becoming? A becoming of one much stronger than man's dogma of control, of order; but a movement and a right to knowledge. A search for the real. For change. To be burnt in pursuit of higher grounds. Is that not the point of rebellion in the onset?

I have heard people say that ignorance is bliss... I have heard people say that knowledge is evil... I have also heard those same people express more fear and terror of living life than of anyone else I know. Ignorance is not bliss, it is just ignorance. As far as knowledge being evil...according to who? Who determines what is evil? What is good? Why is it that I am "supposed" to adhere to what is considered evil and good? Control-order-conformity. No, not for me-not today.

I choose to go with my own reason, my own logic...I don't believe what you say because you said it, tell me why you said it. If it bears in agreement within, I will honor it. Otherwise it's merely your perception, your opinion. I have learned that I am an ever-changing individual who's structures and beliefs so rapidly change that I quit trying to keep up. I now just, roll with it. I bask in the vastness being opened up to me, as I choose to search it out.

To me...ignorance, if settled for, is the evil (for lack of a better word). How canst one grow with closed eyes and a comfortable state of numbness? Whats the point? There is more...

"Willing liberates: for willing is creating: thus I teach. And you should learn only for creating."

There are those who settle in life, there are those who avoid life, and there are those who seek to truly live life. There are perplexed combinations of all walks, varying opinions, emotions, beliefs, and perspectives; there are leaders and followers, questioners and solvers; there are those who are simply apathetic and spineless- I have been all of these.

So now a new approach. Push the limits, question everything- for the sake of logic- grow in the direction I am taken, learn to fly.

Allow jumbled thoughts to be random outlets, as written here....

(Originally written January 2009)