The Exquisite

Flashes of light and dancing swirls, sparkles and drips of dew fill the sky, lit with the splendor of nature.

The beauty that surrounds me is unbearably glorious....

How can one look into the majestic flawlessness of the woodlands and meadows and not bow down in reverence to God?

Colors pop and vibrant images consume my eyes, crisp crackles of animals and air swirling through the grass and trees, the fragrance of the pure intact beauty of flora invades my nose...

A breath of release, a breath of tranquility- it is as if my entire being is one with the world around me, as if in this point in time I am completely released of myself and instead I am a blended part of a designed whole. Oh the beauty that befalls me...

Contradictory Existence

There are no words that can express the cycle of a contradictory existence. It is like living on a never ending seesaw of indecision and inconsistency. I beg and plea for balance, yet I constantly find myself tipping the scales back and forth, back and forth; balance is a state I may have to resign to never achieving.


What it ultimately boils down to is the same exhausting questions of who am I, what do I believe in, what are my likes, my dislikes, what is my identity? On the surface of this pondering I searched for answers in the shallow realm; what do my clothes say about me, what does my taste of music say about me, why do these seem to never stay the same? The gamete of stereotypes and labels began running through my mind in a materialistic effort to find some defining answers about my identity.

It was then that my unwaveringly over analytical mind took it many more steps below to the underlying factors of why the need or desire is there to ask such questions, the main one being why I feel the need to compartmentalize myself in the societal sense. I determined it comes from one factor, the desire to belong.

We are creatures of change ever morphing into newer versions of the prior self. We change in appearance, we change in intelligence, we change in morality and beliefs- change is the only constant in life. Some of us experience those changes minimally, and some radically experience hyper active amounts of change. These high level examples of change are personality characteristics that may or may not be a learned trait. Perhaps they are natural tendencies for some to remain relatively “the same person,” or to the other end of the spectrum (where I seem to reside) “never the same person for more than a mood.” We are perpetually evolving, but the question is what are we evolving into? Or yet a better question, what am I evolving into- again, who am I? What is my identity?

For the sake of entertaining the societal implanted views of what subculture our fashion says we must belong to, I would currently fit the mold of “indie”, “hipster” or “bohemian.” It would be assumed that I listen to alternative, rock, folk, singer-songwriter, and underground music. It may bring on the impression that I prefer the arts, intellectual stimulation, culture, and diversity; it may even suggest that I enjoy independent films, foreign films, etc. As much as I hate to say that I would agree with stereotypes, this is my surface identity in a nutshell-these are my likes.

Prior to this was the punk identity in which patches, spikes, and chucks were practically an extension of my body with wild colors and patterns, a gigantic mohawk, and an attitude of screw you- damn the man! Music was loud and fast with the most defiant and rebellious lyrics combined with radical social implications and random humor. Another step back was the hardcore identity where the chelsea was rocked and my life revolved around screamo and hardcore concerts, thrift store chic tees bandanas and belt-buckles as my trademark. There was even a short time where Gap and Abercrombie ruled my life and I listened only to pop, boy bands, and wore ribbons attached to my perfectly curled ponytails… Stereotypes of society would have called me a punk, a rocker/hardcore kid, and prep. These “identities” have been recycled more than once throughout my life.

This need to identify and belong is something that is a major struggle for most young people trying to make their way through adolescence and into adulthood. It seems that most people outgrow this need to belong; so why haven’t I? Why do I still find the need to define myself by such irrelevance? The reason for this need is that I still do not know how to fit into my skin, how to be satisfied and confident, how to know just be. It progresses unequivocally from who am I?

Aside from the shallow notions of fashion and music, there are the deeper changes that occur in beliefs and ambitions, in priorities and goals. It is in these areas that my greatest discomfort arises and that which causes me to question the validity of my “identity.” Beliefs have shifted from super strict Christianity and within this headship to claiming various forms of this religion (Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Charismatic to name a few), to agnostic, to Wiccan, to Buddhist, to Hindu, to New Age, and the list goes on. Ambitions have shifted between living in the midst of a thriving city life where opportunity to revel in the arts and self-fulfillment appear to be plenty, to living in the country riding 4-wheelers and wearing camo and listening to country; from living life as a single parent having no long term love commitments and retaining my independence outside of a relationship to being a “stepford” wife PTA soccer mom living in suburbia and have a family all dressed in matching khakis and driving a mini-van. Goals have gone from owning a coffee/wine bar with live music and poetry readings to being a super successful corporate business woman and back and forth for all of the ambitions and goals above.

It is a constant cycle of fierce desire for independence and adventure to extreme stability, conformity, and routine. Impulsive decisions made by barreling through life towards immediate gratification on a whim which often lands me in a state of discontentment and the feeling of being trapped, repeatedly. The consequences of my choices become overwhelming. This seesaw is a constant war that rages within and suffocates the ability to define who I am. It creates the inability to make life decisions and even decisions in general for fear that my mind will change and I will be shackled in a cage of despair and unhappiness.

Balance, yet again, is a state I may have to resign to never achieving…

LIBERATION

Religiosity…A topic I have struggled with my entire life thus far.

Raised in the Christian Protestant faith, I attended many different churches and I followed many different doctrines. All with the same bible. All with the same basic notion that belief in Jesus as Lord and Savior will save my soul from the gnashing of teeth and burning for all eternity in hell. Belief that with this faith I will be guaranteed an afterlife in perfection, in heaven, dancing and singing praises for all eternity. While each protestant branch preached in different ways- this was the premise that fueled them all.

I have been told that I must believe everything in the Word of God- the bible- or I cannot believe any of it. How frustrating and how pathetic…do I believe, could I believe, that unless all accept Jesus as lord and savior that they shall perish for all of eternity? I cannot. Can I believe that the Protestant way or the Protestant bible is somehow superior and more “right” than the Catholic bible, or the Dead Sea Scrolls? With the many versions and loose translations, the opinions and the revising to suit situations- how could I? And what of the rest of the world and their religious beliefs… How anyone could truly believe that God would damn the majority of the world for believing another religion is something I cannot accept. I have been told that unless one has the knowledge of Jesus and an opportunity to accept Him as their savior then they are not in danger of hell. This concept baffles me even more. Christians claim that the bible can be proven by filling in the gaps of history…well, so can the Vedas, so can the Koran, so can the Buddhist Catechism. So what makes this faith any better or any more real, or anymore “right” than all of the other faiths that are believed around the world? Is it that in the Christian faith there is no room for open mindedness? Perhaps the superior mentality and inability to see faith in a more holistic view is the real problem that I have.

I have been told that the deep emotion felt when in prayer or when in a powerful church service is the Spirit of God moving; and that the miracles that are performed when people put their trust and faith in the blood of Jesus for their healing is indeed an act of God, and only an act of God, by the stripes of Jesus' torn flesh- and an act of the Holy Spirit to show His power. While I do not discount that there is a God, I do have doubts that emotional outbursts and even miraculous healings are only the result of a divine intervention. Can we not experience the same emotional depth when listening to music that touches us deeply? Can we not engage in emotional outbursts when we are in awe at the beauty around us? Then, we address, "by your faith you have been healed"…has science not proved that with your mind we have the ability to heal? Could it not be complete focus on what you want deeply and then allowing your body to receive? We have the ability to heal our bodies as well as make them sick. I have proven this in my own life as a child. I would envision my white blood cells like little soldiers all holding hands and blocking the sickness from my body, then I would visualize them unlocking hands and allowing some sickness to enter their barricade. I would always get sick, anytime I didn’t want to go to school I used this technique. Is this not the same thing as divine healing? Perhaps it is not by His stripes we have been healed, perhaps it is simply by our ability to focus and intently believe that we will receive healing and thus we are healed.

Let me stop here and say that I am not denying the bible in its entirety; I believe much of the bible. However, I do not believe much of the bible as well… I can’t. My passion for reason and my logical, rational mind is not able. “Do I believe in Jesus as my savior?” “What if I say I don’t and I go to hell?” “Am I a Christian?” “Do I even believe in heaven or hell” ; these are the battle cries I have dealt with for many years… One day I encountered a realization- if you have to constantly ask yourself if you believe something, then you don’t. As soon as this revelation resonated within me, there was a relief, a purging, a freedom. I was free. I was then able to see clearly the messages conveyed in all of the world’s religions- love, not fear, not rigidity- love. I refuse to believe something out of fear, I refuse to be shackled in the bondage of doctrine and ignorance- that truly is hell. If this means that I am not a Christian, then I am not. For the first time in my life I am confident and at peace about that fact. Liberation.

The message and purpose of Christ was not solely to save our souls from hell as much of the Christian churches would lead many to believe. Jesus came to teach us love. The message of Jesus was to love. “And the greatest of these is love…” How could a man who taught so openly about loving one another be responsible for the salvation or damnation of souls? To take His teachings alone is to live in peace, harmony, acceptance, and love. Jesus never casted stones, Jesus accepted everyone regardless of morality, lifestyle choice, physicality, etc. Jesus “came that we should have life, and have it more abundantly.” In my quest for defining my beliefs, I have been liberated buy focusing on these principles.

Love. Honor. Integrity. Kindness. Tolerance. Patience. Acceptance. Forgiveness.

I have studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Mysticism, Wiccan, and Judaism- all of which teach the same principles above as a guide to live life fully. These are the teachings of the greatest teachers who ever lived. Jesus Himself said “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.” In my opinion, this applies regardless of religious beliefs... According to one of the most renown teachings of Jesus, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” These are the disciplines that I follow, these are the truths that I accept from the Christian faith. A final thought on Christianity: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” This is the path I will follow. I will close with a final thought from a man that I revere as the greatest leader our country has ever known… “When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion.” -Abraham Lincoln

DESTINY

There is a time in life where one can no longer hide behind the shroud of who they think they should be, and who they are. I am in this battle currently. Torn. Tattered. Drained...

My dreams and aspirations seem increasingly within my reach, yet I am shackled by the circumstance of life. Stuck in suburbia with the "picket fence" syndrome I am aware that the only way to see my dreams come to life would be to begin taking charge and letting go. It's terrifying.

How do I allow myself to become undone when I have wound myself so tight? How do I relinquish control and break out of the box that I have put myself in? How does anyone allow themselves to be themselves when they have been someone else for so long. Living in a place they don't want to be in. Working in a field that is the complete opposite of their dreams. Allowing life to live them and not truly living life.

I am disgusted, nay, appalled at the me I see today. I feel trapped, I feel caged. I feel lost and scared. Yet it is only I who put me here. It was my willingness to give myself up. It was I who looked to find escape in whatever means came my way. It all boils down to the choices that I have made that have placed me in the position that I am today.

I want to live in New York or back in Atlanta. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to raise my children with culture and diversity. I want to have friends and a marriage that is fundamentally unshakeable. So with all of these wants that I have, why are these not my reality?

Choice. My reality is not in line with my wants because at one point or another I made choices based on what I thought someone else wanted, or what I thought in the immediate was what I wanted. I made life defining choices that have placed me in this rut and stiffened my creative atmosphere. I gave up. I always give up.

When will I learn that the power is in my hands? When will I be brave enough to stand for my life? When will I be able to look fear in the face and laugh? Fear? Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty. Fear is uncertainty. Nothing more, nothing less. Most fear is not even real...

I am afraid- I can honestly say it. I am afraid that if I stand up for my dreams and wants then I will lose everything that I have today- all the while knowing that what I have today is not and will never be enough. We only get one shot at this thing and I am giving up.

I am beginning to get my power back, little by little, I am allowing myself to be. I am liking myself and gaining back a measure of confidence that has long been dormant. I have said before that I want my life to be remembered as me being one who lived a life of honesty- that time to become honest is upon me. Time for change.

A quote I have saved to a reminder board says that it is never to late to become who you were always supposed to be. I am finally believing this...I am finally believing in me. Regardless of what may come, if I can willingly remain true to myself- everything will be ok. I am the author and creator of my destiny. I am the one in charge. I must not forget it...I must not deny it...I must, MUST, embrace it.

MIRROR, MIRROR

How can I describe the person in the mirror I see looking back at me? How do I define something, someone- myself? How does anyone define themselves for that matter? Are we not beings of terminal change? Are we not daily renewed and epitomized by circumstance?

There is a constant yearning- a desire to discover and rediscover and uncover and define humanity. There is awe and wonder at learning our uniqueness and yet there is apprehension at what we may find when we look closer. We are a people so compartmentalized in life that being able to look rightly at our own image is nearly impossible, or at least so I have found.

So what then shall we use as our criteria for self-definition and mirror image? Is it in the title of trade we hold, or in the class of society we belong? Is it in the passions we cling to or the tears that fall? Is it in religion and morale, character or defects? Is it in the lines of our face and the color of our hair? How do we truly SEE ourselves?

I believe that the ability to truly SEE oneself rests not just in the tangible, but in the intangible. According to the Snow White tale, the dark queen asks the Mirror to define who in the land holds the most beauty. She only thinks on the initial appearance, her question is left with much room for debate. For a time, she held the role she sought, yet as Snow White grew and blossomed, not merely in looks, but in character, strength, compassion, and morale- the tides turned. She was the one the Mirror was reflecting back as the fairest of them all.

This may seem a silly comparison, but I find there is much metaphorically that comes into play here. The image- built not only on what the naked eye can see- is based on true human nature and strength. The fallacy of life is that we see much more surface than anything else. Do we ever really look past our initial appearance at the deeper side of our image- our soul, if you will? It is yet again embarking on the quest for finding oneself. It is the desire to live a life deeper than the shallow initial look. It is the breaking down of molds and the ability to shed light on areas that we may have long hidden that reveals our true self-image. We must peer beyond the jaded looking glass and own all that encompasses our mirror image. More than our appearance- it is our brilliance, our aura, our humanness. It is our true self.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall- peel the blinders from my eyes that I may SEE the one who is looking back at me...

HONESTY

If you had to pick one word to describe how you would want to your life to be remembered, what would it be? What virtue would you want to be known for?

Honest. To be honest is more than merely telling the truth, it is an inherent look into that which makes us, us. It is a deeper understanding  and willingness to accept those things in life that we may not wish to have to handle. It is the ability to see clearly our fallacies as well as our victories and be able to portray utter transparencies.

This honesty is how I wish to be remembered. I wish to be revered as one who strove for honesty above all else. Honesty with my word, my deed, but honesty mostly with myself. I would like to be able to leave the world knowing that I would allow myself always to see clearly the motives I had for any given action or reaction. I would like to believe that I was able to remain "true" to myself regardless of the daggers life had thrown at me and regardless the fear of what another may think of me. I would like to leave a legacy behind to my children and children's children that a life worth living is one that is lived with utmost honest valor.

Courage. In order to truly be honest it takes a measure of courage that seems to be lost in todays society. Courage is a virtue that I feel many people, including myself is in lack of. We as a nation and era are so afraid to offend one another that honesty in its rawest sense has gotten lost. The courage to speak up and speak out has been pushed away in favor of public opinion. To be trapped in the fear that you may upset the herd is prison in and of itself. The courage to be able to say and love who we are as individuals is caged and locked tight out of fear of our fellow man and said public opinion. When one is able to gain such a measure of courage, no matter how small, then the daunting splendor of honesty is allowed to flow freely. I believe honest is based on following a belief structure and remaining faithful to it- regardless of how much and how many times that structure may change. Remaining true to oneself as it were, to ones beliefs, to ones values and morale, to ones interests and passions, and ultimately to the liberation of ones inhibitions.

Ramblings and mumblings... Simply state; to live a life worth living is to live a life with the courage to be honest and to remain true to oneself above all else. To be remembered as such is greatness.

SHATTERED

What then shall we call life? A series of ups and downs, of love and loss, of gain and lose. Life, such a fragile thing. Riddled with the plague of emotion to live is ultimately to die and to live is to feel and feel intently. Oh how I wish I didn't feel so much.

How do we make it through? How do we deal with so much? Let me rephrase, how do I deal with it. How do I tolerate the ups and downs, the love and loss, and the gain and lose.

I am so tired. So drained. So unbearably desperate to breathe a sigh of relief. But that relief can't be found. I have tried to find it in a bottle, in a relationship, in an asylum, and in a church. I have tried to find it in the books I read or in the television shows and movies I watch. I have tried to find it in my kids and in my job. Alas I am still broken. Still weighted down. Still desperate.

Some would call this depression, others would call it self pity, and true both are correct. For with every ounce of my being I am torn and unsettled.

Day by day holding on to dreams and desires gets harder and harder. I see so many people become resigned to life rather than living life as they want to. I see myself slipping into this wave pool and finding myself trapped amidst the eb and flow of monotony and routine. True this is the life I have made for myself. True it is my choices that have led me to where I am. True it has been my unwillingness to define my needs and wants which has put me in this desolate cell...

There is however still time. There is still light at the end of the tunnel. There is still hope within me for something better, something more. As there is still breath in my lungs and life in my body there is still time to make a change. Time... Time.

Never give up. Never surrender. This thing called life... Such a beautiful tragedy.